Padfoot
by the candle in the shadows
Summary: Sirius survived, yet Harry died. He finds it hard to cope without the people he loves. *Depression Warning*


Sirius hit the floor. He didn't care if anyone saw a grown man crying, his life had just been torn away from him again. The gaping hole re-opening, sucking him downwards into a deep spiral of depression. Escaping from Azkaban his hope had lifted knowing Harry would eventually find out the truth and he could be a great godfather to the only child in his life. He didn't care that Harry wasn't actually his, the kid brought love and laughter into his miserable excuse of a life. He reminded Sirius so much of James and it pained him every time he looked at that face knowing what he had lost. But that only made him push harder, because Harry had also lost so much. No child should have to go through everything he did. Yes, he couldn't be there every minute as Harry was growing up ,but at least he knew he was there for him and the letters meant so much. And now Harry was gone. Sirius weeped into the laminate flooring of the empty classroom. Everyone else outside mourning their losses, but also rejoicing in the defeat of Voldemort. What had Sirius got to be happy about? Everyone he knew and loved was dead. Unable to move Sirius didn't know how many hours had passed and he didn't care. No-one came looking for him as there was no-one left who cared enough. He loved James and Lily and when they had passed he moved that love onto Harry. Now Harry was gone and Sirius'es heart was bleeding, the wounds deep and fresh. As time passed he went through several stages. First came the rage, all that built up anger over everything. The people who should have and failed to protect Harry, himself included. Voldemort for being the evil bastard he was. And the rest of the world for being so sick and twisted. The room was destroyed. Chairs and tables smashed, books torn and floorboards ripped up. How could everyone have been so careless, he was 17! 17?! And he died to save other people from a life of oppression. Then hit the denial. Harry couldn't be dead, this was all just a dream, surely. Harry wouldn't go out there and die, he was the strongest person Sirius knew, second only to his father. The order wouldn't have failed in protecting the boy who could defeat Voldemort, that was the whole point. Finally the self-loathing hit. Of course it was all his fault. Harry was under his protection, he was the only family Harry had left and he just let him die. Sure he'd looked after Harry before, but when it came down to it Sirius just wasn't good enough. If he had just been there, he could have saved him, he could have protected him, been there for him when Harry needed him. But he wasn't and he hated himself for it. Getting a piece of parchment Sirius began to write, to whom he didn't know, but if anyone found it at least the note would be some sort of explanation. As he was writing the quill went through the page a few times as his anger got to much and ink blotches were scattered everywhere. Finally resting his quill on top of the page Sirius sat down and held his wand to his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered as a tear fell down his cheek.  
-3 hours later-  
Hermione was going round checking all the classrooms for victims or remnants of Death Eaters. Ron had told her to rest but she just couldn't. Yes, Voldemort was dead, but so many others were gone, including Harry. Hermione had sobbed when she heard the news of her best friend's death. After all he had been through. Opening the door to the final classroom Hermione let out a shriek. Sirius laid completely still before her, with a note by his side. With shaking hands Hermione picked up the note:-  
'To whom ever may find me,  
I'm sorry for the shock of finding a dead body, but don't tell anyone for I am not worth mourning about. My life was not worth living when I found out everyone I cared about was dead, and I was to blame. If I had been the secret keeper, I could have saved my best friends and my godson would have had his parents. If I had been a bit quicker I could have saved Moony from being hit by that curse. And if I had cared a bit more I would have stopped Harry from ever entering that forest. I have failed in the only thing I was fighting for and now all my emotions have gone, except anger. Anger for not being there when people needed me. I don't want a funeral for I am not worth it, just find someone to bury me where I cannot be found again. That's all I ask. Thank You.  
Sirius Black.'  
~End~


End file.
